


you're my only flower

by LoverBoo



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Confessional Sex, Cunnilingus, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Oral Sex, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Reader-Insert, Romance, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Smut, Smut in ch1, Unrequited Love, anyways the most important tag issss, but not that slow, hanahaki, idk does every smut count as porn, seungkwan oc, smut in ch 4, there is a tag like that wow I should check it sometime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-06-28 10:39:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15705561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoverBoo/pseuds/LoverBoo
Summary: Before the party, you didn't expect having fun, anyone to be interested in you and that person to be Boo Seungkwan, your cute classmate.Warning: Low self-esteem and self hatred. Don't be like the main female character.





	1. First Touch

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first time writing a smut so I apologize if it's awkward. English isn't my native language so I apologize for that also. 
> 
> There's so few seungkwan&reader fanfictions, I wanted to contribute to fandom by writing one. Hope you enjoy.

“What am I doing here?” you thought while watching the dark and crowded bar.

You were in the 2nd year of college. You didn’t drink because your friends decided to drink as much as possible to forget their bad marks from semi-finals and they needed a sober one to collect their back. Just because you didn’t like drinking that much, you were always chosen as the sober one. That’s why these parties were boring for you. Very loud music, suffocating air and too many people, all these were endurable only for the drunk ones. You were sitting in a corner with apple juice in your hand, watching your friends dancing. 

“Don’t be a party-pooper, dance Y/N!” your best friend screamed at your ear. “Ok, ok, I’ll join you” you screamed back but she wasn’t convinced so she kept holding your hand until she saw you getting up and walking. “C’mon!” she screamed and you started dancing among the bad breaths of strangers. There were supposed to be people from your college only but you were sure some of them were strangers, most of them in fact. You look around to see some familiar faces and you spotted Soonyoung’s friends dancing, circled by people. You pushed some people to walk there. When you reached you saw Soonyoung, Seungkwan, Seokmin, Hansol and lots of other people dancing like crazy. They looked having so much fun that you smiled and joined the hype.

“So good, boys!” you screamed, Hansol looked at your way and his eyebrows raised after your eye-contact. “Keep going!” you yelled again, even though you weren’t sure if he heard you. He smiled awkwardly and kept dancing but you could see him going near Seungkwan. Seungkwan smiled and hugged him but after a moment he stopped suddenly, he looked around a bit and started coughing, Hansol looked at him with concern. Seungkwan took a few deep breaths, that made you worried also but he shooed Hansol away and kept dancing. Hansol slapped his ass and joined Chan in his shoot dance as if he didn’t break his ankle in the shoot dance 6 months ago.

You kept dancing until you got tired and thirsty. You sat back on your chair, finished your apple juice and started looking around. After some time, you saw Seungkwan waving at you and trying his best to walk towards you. When he reached your table he staggered so you tried to hold him, he was surprised and he started coughing. “Are you OK? How did you catch a cold this bad?” you asked. 

“I'm ok, I'm ok,” He said and sat next to you, he was too close. “You look very nice and I saw your dance, you rocked!”  
“Thank you,” you said while laughing. “In fact, you and your friends set the stage on fire”  
He laughed and thanked. “We make a drinking competition first so we get drunk and dance even more stupidly”  
“What?!” you couldn’t hear half of the sentence.  
“We make a drinking competition…” You didn’t hear again and he saw your empty look. “There’s too much noise, shall we go outside?” he offered.  
“Yes,” you said and followed him to the door.

“What I’m saying is, we make a drinking competition first to make sure everyone’s drunk, we dance after that.” he said outside.  
“Good idea”  
“You look too sober, do you want some drink?”  
“I’m the sober driver, I mean, I won’t drive but girls need a sober friend”  
“Then where are they? They’re having fun and they left you to get bored to death?” he asked with a grin. “They don’t need you, cmon.”  
“Why are talking like the bad angel on my shoulder?”  
“Noo, I’m the good angel that wants you to have fun!!” he said with a cute voice that made you a little cringe but also laugh. He stopped a waiter. “I want a tequila shot and-“ He turned to you.  
“Can you recommend me a light cocktail with red fruits?”  
“One shot and one Red Dream” waiter said, both of you nodded.

Seungkwan was your classmate, in a few occasions you worked together, he was very social among the boys but shy with girls, that's why he wasn't close to you but you've always seen him joking and laughing with his friends. He was hardworking, responsible, smart and funny. And he was… Cute, in fact. You didn’t want to catch feelings because you knew the truth; you weren’t a hot girl that’ll attract the attention of men. And it wasn’t like you liked him or anything but he was nice, he was good looking.

And while chatting you realized that he could be very talkative with girls too. Maybe it was the effect of his shot because you were also more relaxed with your cocktail. You didn’t know you could flirt this much. To your luck, he was responding your flirts with more forward flirts and compliments. Maybe he didn’t have anything better to do other than talking with you.

“Y/N! ” your friend said approaching you, she shot a glance at Seungkwan and turned to you. “Kate doesn’t feel well, we're going”  
“Ok, I’ll take my jacket-“  
“Can’t you stay?” Seungkwan asked with sad eyes. You didn't want to stay until late hours but he was cute and you couldn’t say no.  
Your friend looked at you to read your expression, she saw that you didn’t wanna leave yet. “Stay safe” she whispered. “See you later Y/N, Seungkwan” and she left.  
Seungkwan was looking at you, he was swaying and his eyes had an empty look so you laughed. “Why do you laugh at me?” he was offended.  
“Why do you look at me like that?”  
“Because I like you,” he said in a daze, then realized what he said and got shocked. You were, also, shocked. “Like, it’s like, just, like, I mean, I don’t, umm” he was struggling. He exhaled and closed his eyes tightly, opened them and held your hand. “I want to get to know you more, Y/N.” His drunkenness was gone, he was very serious. Then he started coughing. He was coughing blood, he looked for a tissue so you gave him one. When he stopped, you asked “Are you OK? Did you see a doctor?” “I’m OK, don't worry” he smiled at you weakly. He waited, you didn't understand why he waited. “Your answer is?” he reminded you his question. “Oh… Well, me too, I’d like to learn more about you,” you said. You saw how happy Seungkwan was, his smile closed his eyes and his cheeks appeared as two apples on sides. He was cute, he was honest, he couldn't hide his reactions. He looked at your face, gulped and put his hand on your cheek, you smiled. “Will you let me..?” “Go ahead” you whispered. He slowly approached and put a short peck on your lips. Then he started testing the waters, peck became a short kiss, then a long kiss. In no time, your hands were in his hair and his hands were on your waist, your lips busy. His pink luscious lips were almost tasty in your mouth and you just couldn't stop yourself from kissing. 

He pulled away to take a breath and looked at you with eyes full of attention. You couldn't think straight under his gaze. He scanned you from head to toe, “You're beautiful” he said with a low voice. He pulled you again for another long kiss and that moment you knew you won't go home. 

As soon as you hopped off the taxi he held your hand and pulled you until you reached his apartment. He closed the door, took you to his room and started kissing your neck while pulling your dress’ zip down. You opened the buttons on his shirt, you couldn’t stop yourself from feeling his chest and moaning under his endless kisses. He was warm, on this chilly April night, he could warm you while you were naked. He took your dress down to leave you only with your underwear. He nipping your neck till your ear, slowly he pushed you to his bed. He got rid of his black jeans, his erection was showing under his black briefs. His phone ringed. He checked the caller, sighed and answered.

“Where are you?!”  
“Can you stay out for a few hours more?” Seungkwan said in an annoyed tone that made you giggle.  
“OMG YOU DIDN’T” you could he Soonyoung screaming and laughing.  
“That’s it I’m hanging up” he left his phone to floor.  
“Which ones do you share this house with?” you asked while caressing his blond hair and welcoming him back your body.  
“I don’t want to mention other men” he kissed your lips “Just when I got a chance to make love to you”  
“You’re dodging lots of questions tonight”  
“And the reason is I don’t want this to be interrupted” he started sucking your right breast and got his fingers under your panty. You forgot all questions when he pushed a finger in you. He released your breast just to say “You’re so wet?”  
“Because all this is so hot.” you said between your moans.  
“You’ll be the death of me” he mumbled and kept sucking.  
He got annoyed at your panty so he got it out of the way by pulling and throwing it away. He pushed a second finger while kissing a trail from your chest to your ear. His low voice was added to wet noises from your pussy: “Do you want it, Y/N?”  
“Yes, Seungkwan, I need it”  
He reached to his nightstand and found a condom. He pulled his briefs a bit, rolled the condom on his dick, then he took off his briefs completely. He pushed your legs by caressing them, hovered over you and aligned his dick with your entrance. “Ready?”  
“I’m more than ready, just fuck me.” you said desperately. He smiled, pecked on your lips and pushed his dick slowly, getting a very needy moan from you. The stretch was delicious, your nails already left marks on Seungkwan’s shoulders, he put his head between your neck and shoulder, lazily nipping and waiting for you to adapt. When you wrapped your legs around his waist he started pulling and pushing slowly to get faster in a minute. His mouth was leaving marks on your chest and collarbone, his hand was squeezing your breast and playing with your nipple, you were holding onto him by his neck and back with all your might, tears were collecting in your eyes. “Seungkwan” his name was a cry, spilling from your lips among your moans. His dick was filling you so well and his hand left your breast to squeeze your ass. You moaned “Faster” when you felt your pussy clenching around his dick, he put his head next to yours, his mouth right in front of your ear, his pants and moans were mixed with wet noises, skin slapping skin and your own moans, everything was too much. The only thing you could think was his dick making you reach your orgasm. You heard Seungkwan saying something but you didn’t understand because your moans became screams.  
You missed the moment Seungkwan came but when you came down from your high, you could see Seungkwan was pulling out. You watched him disposing the condom and wearing a new brief. He sat on the side of the bed, he looked at your face, you smiled. “Wanna stay the night?”  
“If you let me…”  
“Of course,” he said as if it was the most obvious thing.  
“It was really good, Seungkwan, it’s been a while since I had something like this.” you said. He smiled and put your messy hair behind your ear, he had a very affectionate look in his eyes. You couldn’t believe that he looked at you, not any other person or object but you, with those eyes. As if you were something precious, you weren’t precious.  
“Tha-“ he got interrupted with a chain of coughs, it was so bad that you got up, you saw blood and… Rose petals?  
You took one of the petals from his lap and Seungkwan had this sad expression all over his face even while coughing. He cleaned his hands with a tissue and mumbled an “I’m sorry”.  
“No no, don’t apologize. Just… What’s the meaning of this?”  
“It’s what you see, Y/N… I have an unrequited love for you…” He started playing with his hair to cover his face. “I didn’t want to tell you because I don’t want you to push yourself into anything out of pity…” He held his head between his hands, elbows on knees. “I didn’t want you to know.”  
“Seungkwan” you reached his arm. “I want to be totally honest with you. I think this will be the fairest way.” He nodded. “To tell you the truth, I always thought nicely of you, it wasn’t a crush or liking but… You are a good guy. And tonight was really, really good. It’s too early for me to promise anything but I feel good about you, about this. Ok?” He nodded. “Do you have any shirt I can borrow because it’s getting chill” He laughed and brought a baby blue t-shirt, he helped you wearing it and smiled at you. “Can we cuddle or is it too much to ask from a hook-up?”  
“I love cuddles,” he said with a low voice and laid down next to you, you climbed to his chest and let him play with your hair. You could hear wheezing from his lungs.  
“I’m sorry to give you this much pain” you mumbled.  
“It’s the most beautiful pain I’ve ever had” he whispered. “Don’t be sorry or don’t try to compensate. I’m happy with it.”  
“Are you an M?”  
“No, but this is really beautiful. Maybe it affects the brain because my words don’t make any sense, right?”  
“Sounds like it”  
“And I had… Weird wishes, like… These petals… I never wanted to throw them away. I wanted to protect every one of them. They’re like, the embodiment of my feelings.”  
“Now this is beautiful” you accepted.  
“I want to say lots of words to you… I want to wait until you grow feelings for me. I hope you can do that as soon as possible.”  
You giggled. “You’ll have to wait.” He sighed.  
“At least, let me give you some petals as a gift.”  
“Maybe your brain also became a petal?” You yawned.  
He laughed. “We’ll talk about this again in the morning.”  
“You’re not gonna drop-“  
“Sshhh” he shushed you. “Listen, others are home. Let’s just sleep.” He had a cute smile on his face that underlined his pink cheeks. You couldn’t stop your smile.  
“Good night” you whispered and fell asleep.


	2. Not Ready for the Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up and continue your shtty sad life with additional problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY and WARNING for following reasons:  
> -Self-hatred and negative thoughts  
> -Chapter is short  
> -You don't get to see Seungkwan much  
> -I tried, I rewrote this chapter 3 times but it's still not good enough

It was awkward.

His breath on your neck, his arm around your waist, his legs tangled with yours and his warmth radiating on your back… It was warm but awkward… Too close…

You tried to remember how you ended up like this and… Oh…

Last night, with the effects of your drink and mostly Seungkwan’s compliments, you did a reckless thing: you let your lonely and clingy side to take the control. Even if he’s one of the nicest men you’ve ever known, you let a man take you home, you didn’t texted his address to your friends, you didn’t know the address yourself, you had sex with him, thank god he was smart enough to use protection, you let him confess his Hanahaki, and you said you were ok with everything!

You literally went and said “I can’t promise anything but I’m feeling good about this”, it sounded exactly as a promise.

How brave of you to promise a relationship to a sick guy while you, yourself, were sick with depression and self-hatred!

Ok, ok, maybe some parts were from the dreams you had tonight? Hanahaki? Wasn’t that the illness you read in fictions? Was that even real? 

You took a few deep breaths to calm yourself. You tried escaping from his arms but you failed, he hugged you even more tightly. “Did you wake up?” he whispered, you felt shivers going down your spine.

“Uhm, Seungkwan, can you let me?..” you tried once again and he let you go out of his arms.   
“Good morning” his sleepy face was decorated with an innocent smile, his cheeks squeezed his eyes into crescent lines.  
“Good morning” you said while you were getting up. You jumped to floor and start looking for your clothes.  
“Are you leaving immediately?” he sounded disappointed.  
“Yeah” you said while wearing your panty.  
“You can stay for breakfast” he said while getting up.  
“Uhm, it’s better if I go now” You said while zipping your dress up.  
“You look as if you’re running away” He walked towards you and tried to kiss you but you put your hand between your lips.  
“It’s… I was a bit drunk” In fact, you weren’t. You avoided his eyes. “Things happened so fast. I need some time to think about everything.”  
His smile faded and he gulped. “Ok, drunk, yeah” he mumbled while nodding and looking at the floor. Your heart ached when you saw his face like that.  
“It’s not your fault, ok? It’s just… I have too many problems and I’m struggling. I need to end this chaos of mine before starting dating someone.”  
He nodded but didn’t say anything. You said “See you later”, took your purse and left his apartment.

After you left, Seungkwan realized that his lungs were OK last night but now they were getting tightened again. He sighed and went back inside his room to find the tshirt you borrowed. It still had your scent so he folded it nicely, put next to his nose on the pillow and fell asleep again.

Flower in his chest grew some more when he realized you didn’t come to school on Monday. You had another session of self-hatred and you cried for hours in your bed, causing you to miss morning classes. After that, you couldn’t find energy and courage to attend afternoon classes. People would see your puffy eyes and ask you what was wrong, you would tell some lies, they would give some useless advice. You preferred wearing your sport tracks and start one of your “shut down your brain” walks. You didn’t want to see any acquaintances, nor your friends, nor Seungkwan. Especially the last one. You felt apologetic that you kinda lied to him, but you didn’t have enough energy to face him, to explain everything and you didn’t know what to do if he got angry. Everything was too complicated. You started running, running away from everything.

It was already evening when you came home and you took a shower. You cooked some soup as dinner, you thought how you ruined another day with sick mental health of yours.

Next day, you were strong enough to go to school. You weren’t ready to face Seungkwan so you sat away from him. Still, you kept checking him every 10 minutes. He looked tired and there were dark circles under his eyes. Your eyes met a few times but he didn’t come to you and talk as you expected. 

Maybe you really broke his heart?

During the last lecture before the lunch break, you realized he was watching you. You tried to smile but your mood didn’t help. He kept looking until he started coughing. He dashed out of the hall, when he came back looking even more tired. 

It was your fault. You thought about why and how until the evening.

He was ill and it was your fault. And you were such a bad person that you didn’t help him by being his girlfriend. What would you lose if you pretended to love him? You would just say those 3 words and hug him and everything would be alright.

No. If you did, he would start expecting things from you. He would expect you to take his phone calls immediately, reply his messages in 2 minutes, spend your days only with him even if you want to do other things. If you opposed, he would get angry and you would starting arguing. He would expect you to be in your best condition all the time, he would expect you to be sexy, happy and cheerful always. In your depressed times he would get bored and blame you like “you don’t try being ok”. You weren’t strong enough to survive these challenges. You would cry and he would get angry.

Maybe you could let him use you like a doll. Many couples were like this anyways. You would let him hold your hand but you would create problems all the time, you would complain about everything and that would be the way to cope with your relationship with him. It sounded problematic but many couples did this and they were still ongoing.

Maybe the relationships you saw around were really problematic, maybe they were in the wrong and you were right with your expectations. But you believed that there weren’t any men who would share the same idea of “romantic relationship” as yours. 

Hetero men wanted beautiful female bodies. Until last night, nobody wanted your body because of one apparent reason: you were ugly. You had a few dates but none of them progressed into second date. You had a few one night stands but none of them ended with a breakfast. You never had a boyfriend. Even in high school where expectations are really low, nobody looked at your way. Your body was an unattractive one and you could see why. There were many hot women out there with long legs, tiny waists, big boobs and beautiful faces. Why would a man confine himself with your while there were many women way hotter than you?

Seungkwan… His Hanahaki must’ve turned his brain into a petal and made him blind. And you didn’t believe he loved anything other than your body. You looked at your belly and thick legs. Maybe he regretted loving you after seeing you naked? Maybe his Hanahaki made him have sex with you? 

“I want to wait until you grow feelings for me. I hope you can do that as soon as possible.” He said these words but… What he meant by “feelings” must be the one women in relationships has. Being whiney and expecting the “man” to solve everything, letting the “man” kiss and fuck her, enduring the “man”s dilemmas like “you should look hot to me but your skirt shouldn’t be very short because other men will look”. You were sure that Seungkwan was a nice man but he was still a man, he wouldn’t want you to love him really. 

If he was after your body, maybe you could be fuckbuddies. He was good in bed, you liked sleeping with him, he would get what he wanted in an easy way and he wouldn’t have a right to interfere with your life. He would have no word in your decisions and actions. And… He said he loved cuddles. Cuddles were good for your loneliness. As long as you didn’t catch feelings for him, maybe you could be good friends who have sex and cuddles. It sounded like a good deal.

And about him loving you… His “love” was for your body, as long as you had sex with him, his Hanahaki would get better.

After wiping your tears for the nth time, you messaged him at 22:34. “I know it’s late but… Can we talk? Can I call you?”  
He didn’t reply until 23:12 because he was busy vomiting beautiful and bloody roses but you didn’t know. “Yes”  
You called him and he answered right away. “Y/N? Hi” His voice was cracked but excited.  
“I’ve thought about… You know… What happened between us…”  
“And?”  
“Seungkwan, I don’t feel ready for a relationship. I can’t take the responsibility of it. But what we had was good, so…”  
“Are you trying to reject me in a nice way?” He was sad and a bit… angry? “You can say it was a mistake and I’ll understand”  
“No, no, please, listen.” You didn’t want to reject him completely because… You were craving to be touched just like the way he did. You couldn’t get the love your heart wanted but you could get the touch he offered. “We can… Meet and sleep together because… I liked it, I really liked it. It was perfect. I just can’t be your girlfriend, not now, not in the situation I’m in…”  
“You can’t be my girlfriend?” He sighed and cleared his throat after waiting a few seconds. “Alright, let’s try this thing but please see what you’re doing to me. You are playing with me.”  
“I’m sorry.” There was an awkward silence. “So… Can we meet tomorrow?”  
“I don’t have any plans for tomorrow”  
“Then… 20:00, my house? I’ll send you the address.”  
“Ok. Good night, Y/N”  
“Good night Seungkwan” you said and just before you could hang up, you heard him whispering “I love you” .  
Seungkwan left his phone to nightstand and looked at the ceiling. “I’m really going die but at least I’m going to die in her arms”


	3. His Side of the Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His side of the story...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I already updated today but while I was taking notes about the story, this chapter got written unintentionally? It's only 1k but it's from Seungkwan's POV so I can't fuse it with any other chapter. Thanks for your support, I appreciate it <3

[Seungkwan’s Flashback: a day in February]  
Seungkwan’s nose started running on Friday morning and didn’t get any better the last 3 days. He stayed in bed with the hope of healing faster, kept cleaning his nose, tried to stay calm when Soonyoung joked about “the amount of used tissues on his bed” and “number of days he spent without sex”. Seungkwan didn’t like the fact that he was still ill on Monday, the day his schedule was the tightest. His throat was aching, his nose was running, his headache was killing him, he was taking pills but they didn’t work that much. He tried to listen to the lectures but he couldn’t focus well. Slowly he left himself into the arms of sleep.

He woke up by someone’s poke. He opened his eyes to see the classmate today he sat next to, Y/N. “I didn’t want to disturb you, I can see how sick you are but you know how Mr. Gartner is, he gets angry when he sees someone sleeping.” She put a hot drink next to his notebook. “Ginger tea with honey. I don’t know if you like it but it’s good for aching throat.”  
“Thank you” Seungkwan said, coughed because he talked, and took the tea. He could feel something in his heart, he was touched? It tasted a bit bitter but sweet with honey. He smiled at her.   
“It sucks, right? Having flu.” Seungkwan nodded. “Whenever I have flu I just want to leave everything, go back home and let my mom pamper me. But it’s not possible.” She pouted. “And because of cytokines released during illnesses, I get sad and irritable. Oh, you may be irritable too, I’m sorry I talked too much.”  
“It’s ok” he said. “You’re right, having flu sucks. Having my Mondays full with boring lectures sucks too.”  
She smiled. “You can do it. You’re smart and hardworking, you can handle everything.” She was hyping Seungkwan. “Who can stand in your way?! No one and nothing! You’ll beat them up! Remember the time when we worked on a group project and the last day we learned that we had one more topic to include in our presentation? You saved us that day!” She prepared her fist. “You’ll survive today too.” They bumped their fists and both of them were smiling.   
“Professor is here” Seungkwan whispered. She nodded and got a very serious expression immediately. Seungkwan giggled and opened his notebook. His heart was thumping.

He started noticing details about Y/N. She liked laughing, she liked making people laugh, she was friends with almost everyone, she believed in everything she was told, she believed in jokes too, she fell asleep easily, she could keep writing while falling asleep. She loved petting the cats in campus, she loved talking to them. She was never alone and even if she was, she immediately found some acquaintance to talk with. She always greeted Seungkwan and asked how his day was going.

The more he watched Y/N, the thumping in his heart got stronger.

One day, he saw Y/N alone in the back garden of library. Just when he was about to say hi, he realized she was crying with tiny sobs. His heart grew in his chest, he gulped, he gulped again but he couldn’t swallow the lump in his throat. He ran to library’s restroom, he coughed, coughed and felt something on his tongue.

A tiny petal of red rose.

He got Hanahaki disease on a cold February day.

[Flashback ended. Seungkwan’s present time]  
He remembered how his disease started. It was April 25th, it has been 3 months since that day. The more he got to learn about Y/N, the more he loved her. He loved how tender she was, how she loved kids and cats, how she smiled every morning, how she greeted every friend one by one. How bad she was at playing snowball, how she wore thickest of the thickest coat, how she bragged about the scarf she knitted herself, how bad she took notes in lectures, how good her questions were. He found everything about her beautiful.

The more he loved her, the more he coughed and the bigger the petals got. He started losing his weight and appetite. His coughs started to worry his flatmates, they asked him to go to a doctor. In March, when they threw a homeparty with by themselves, they got drunk and Seungkwan told them his disease. He told about it as if it was a nice thing but others got serious suddenly. Since then, Soonyoung wanted to talk to Y/N for various times, Hansol was purely sad and Chan was angry about “why doesn’t Seungkwan confess her and solve this problem”. Before the semifinals, Soonyoung made a plan: they would talk to Y/N’s best friend to bring her to after-semifinals party, they would get Seungkwan drunk, hype him and persuade him to take her home.

And he had the chance to touch her. Even though he didn’t know anything about Soonyoung’s plan, he always dreamt of that day; he read books on female anatomy, he studied just like how he studied for his lectures and singing lessons. At party, he flirted with her, he took her home and he touched her with the commands of his heart. His heart wanted to kiss her, touch her, make her smile, make her happy, hug her and claim her as his. He touched her the way she’ll be the most happy. He showed her his love.

In the morning, his snowglobe-like dreams got crushed by Y/N. His heart was finally broken into tiny pieces, his dreams were covered in mud and his condition was getting worse. He spent the weekend in his room, he went to lectures on Monday just to see a hall without Y/N and to decorate college’s restroom with red petals. On Tuesday, he saw that Y/N was in a bad mood but in the evening, the thing she said on phone threw Seungkwan from the edge. He was angry now.

And it was Wednesday evening, he was standing in front of her door, full of love and anger, excitement and annoyance, hopes and broken dreams. He didn’t want to be played, he didn’t want his pride to be stepped on, he didn’t want her to pity him. He did nothing wrong, he just loved her, loved her so much that it didn’t fit his heart and started filling his lungs too. He loved her so ethereal that his love became rose petals. He didn’t do anything wrong. He loved her and he wanted her to love him back.


	4. Hopeful Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See the tag "idk does every smut count as porn"? I think this chapter counts as porn.  
> And.  
> Y/N is finally becoming a normal person with a common-sense, thanks to Boo Seungkwan the Magnificent™.  
> Here you go, a new smut chapter, made of 2709 words(a record for me).

Wednesday evening, 19:47… You were running your hands on your legs to find a flaw, checking yourself in the mirror, applying lipstick, brushing your hair and trying to calm yourself. “It’s ok, everything’s ok” you kept telling yourself but you weren’t as relaxed as on Friday night. “It’s ok, Y/N, you’ll get laid, have a good time, he won’t invade your personal space…”

Then the doorbell rang, you went to open the door after checking your jean shorts for one last time. “Hey,” you said and you saw him. He parted his brown soft hair from the side, he wore a buttoned black shirt tucked in black jeans and sleeves rolled up, his milky neck and collarbones looked delicious. He… wasn’t smiling. 

“We should talk,” he said seriously. You didn’t expect this.  
“T-talk?” you stuttered.  
“Yes, Y/N, can I come in?” he asked.  
“Yeah, sure, welcome,” you said, closed the door and led him to the living room.  
“What’s this?” he asked without even sitting down.  
“What’s what?” you were confused.  
“What’s this ‘let’s have sex but nothing else’ thing? Can you explain?”  
You sighed. “Isn’t it the best? I won’t have to spend my nights alone, you’ll get to sleep with your crush and you won’t pay for dinners, you won’t buy gifts in every special day, you won’t be anxious when you go out with your friends at night.” The more you talked, the more he was left agape. “And I don’t have interest in any person but you can sleep with other peop-“  
“What the fuck?!” he interrupted. “What are you talking about? Why don’t you believe in me when I say I love you? Why do you belittle my feelings?”  
“I’m not belitt-“  
“Yes, you are!” He was angry, you stepped back.  
“Don’t yell at me Seungkwan…” You were getting smaller and feeling worse.  
“I’m not yelling, I’m trying to talk with you but you’re escaping the topic,” he said with a lower and calmer voice. “Can we talk honestly? Without running away? I’m ready to face anything you’ll say. Can we sit down?” You nodded and sat on the sofa, your faces turned to each other, your head low. “Can you tell me why you think I’ll only want sex and nothing else?”

Your heart was beating fast. It was the first time a guy sincerely asked for your opinion on love and even though he was quite angry, he succeeded to calm down just for you, just to listen to you. He saw a problem and he was willing to solve it by talking. You looked at him to see a serious man, you prepared your words and started talking.

“When I talked with some male friends about love,” You were looking in your hands and playing with your fingers.” I saw that their romance was about hot girls that they can sleep with however they were complaining that hot girls always asked for their attention, they wanted gifts and they tried to control their boyfriends’ lives. And when I look around I see many relationships where partners don’t respect each other, they don’t give space to each other, they are not happy. So I thought that you’d be satisfied with this.”

He sighed. “Human hearts don’t work that way. Love isn’t about hot bodies and playing games. Love just happens. If you ask me why I love you, I can’t say ‘it’s because of your legs or your body’, it’s just I love you. You’re the most lovable person on earth without a reason.” You didn’t say anything because it didn’t make sense in your theory of “males’ love”. “How about you? What’s your romance about?” he asked you softly.  
“My romance is cringy, you don’t want to hear,” you said.  
“I want to hear, that’s why I am asking,” he said and you looked at him, he didn’t lie, he was waiting for your response.  
“In my romance, partners would hold hands and talk about what’s in their hearts. They would have dinner together and talk about their days, they would support each other in their difficult times. They would be close to each other so that they can share their secrets but they would respect if their partner didn’t want to talk. They wouldn’t restrict each other from basic things like spending time with friends. They would smile together and wipe each other’s tears. Of course, they would have sex but it wouldn’t be just having sex, it wouldn’t be about perfectly hot bodies, it would be making love, adoring each other and sharing their secret likes or fears.” You shook your head. “I’m sorry, it’s just, I love romance dramas and my head is full of clichés.”

“I really love you so much” he whispered and suddenly pulled your face to his lips. He gave you a warm kiss and looked into your eyes while talking. “It’s beautiful, you are so beautiful, Y/N, you are killing me.” Just when you smiled shyly, he kissed you again. “I want to give your all my love and my heart, I want to take you on dates, I want to go to amusement park with you and play like kids, go to karaoke and sing with you, eat cakes and sweets, have a movie night, take a walk hand in hand, everything, I want to do everything with you!”

His light-hearted requests made you smile and you realized it wasn’t what you expected. Maybe you would be different than the couples you observed. Maybe he was different than the men you ran into. Maybe, just maybe, he was sharing the same heart as you. Getting hopes meant possible disappointments but you just wanted to hope. He caressed your cheek, put his arm around your waist and pulled you for another kiss.

“Don’t think so much about it, just let me love you,” he said into your lips. His plump lips grasped yours, your arms snaked around his neck, he held your waist tightly, your breaths mixed together. Your head was spinning with his strong hold on you and his lips.

“How are your lungs?” you asked between kisses.  
“The petals are getting even more magnificent.”  
“You shouldn’t love your disease this much” you whispered.  
“Yeah, you’re right. You should be my only flower” he said looking into your eyes with his happy smile and sparkling eyes.  
“I’m serious, I want you to heal”  
“I don’t have you yet, I have the petals to hold on, don’t take them away from me.” He said as if the petals were innocent as if the petals weren’t his possible murderer. You buried your face to his neck, you felt your eyes filling with tears. He was a good person, a good man, he had many good traits that you… you liked. He was beautiful with his eyes curved at the ends, his apple cheeks, his eye smile, his small mouth and plump lips that looked very very delicious.  
You could understand how one can love the pain of heart but…  
“…to die, Seungkwan...” You said, your words were lost in your trembling voice.  
“Y/N?” he asked with worry, he petted your hair lightly.  
“I don’t want you to die, Seungkwan!” you said clearly this time, you held onto his neck even more tightly. You could hear who his lungs started wheezing and he started shaking. He closed his mouth but started coughing in no time. You let him cough his petals, they were bigger than the last time, your heart was broken at the sight. You rubbed his back as he coughed.  
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Are you ok?” you asked. “Yeah” his voice was hoarse. You let him breathe properly then you turned his face to your face. “Can I kiss you now?” He smirked and nodded. You straddled on his lap and started kissing. This time kisses were more lustful. His tongue was discovering your mouth and his hands were on your hips while you opened his buttons and let your hands wander on his chest. You felt a few thorns under his skin, the flower has reached that much? He tugged your shirt and pulled away from your lips, you took your shirt off slowly while looking right into his eyes. He was about to hold you again but you stood up. 

“Why don’t we go to my bed?” you said, you held his hand and led the way. Your heart was thumping but you didn’t have any fear. There was something about him that made you forget anything and act like a different Y/N, a braver one, one that does things without thinking twice, one that feels more confident and sexy.

You pushed him onto your bed, straddled his hips and gave him a long kiss. Your kisses moved slowly from his chin to his neck, to his collarbone, to his chest. You found a unique pleasure in sucking his skin and nibbling to leave reddish marks. Then you saw the thorns scattered around his chest, they were about to escape his skin and when you rubbed them they penetrated his skin with blood and his silent sighs. You licked them and saw that they were rose thorns exactly.  
“Be careful,” he said while brushing your hair with his fingers.  
“I won’t be,” you said looking at him. You put your fingertip on one of his thorns. He grasped your wrist and pulled but you tried with your other hand, he held it also and turned you around. He pinned your wrists above your head and brought his face closer to yours. “I said, be careful”  
“You want me to be a good girl for you?” you smirked. He kissed you.

“Yes,” he sighed and took his shirt completely off. You watched his muscles moving under his milky skin with 1,2,…6 thorns on the surface. “Be my good girl and I’ll give you whatever you want” He took his jeans and your shorts off, put the condoms he brought on your side, kissed your hipbones, you opened your legs very willingly and he moved down. He licked your lace underwear and pulled it aside to lick the real thing. “When did you get this wet?” he said and put lots of kisses. You whimpered when you felt his hand pushing your pubic area towards your stomach so he could stretch your genitals and reach every part. His hot tongue licked from bottom to top, rolling around your clit. He opened your labias and pushed his tongue into your vagina. While his tongue was licking your sensitive spots, his plump lips were rubbing unintentionally but in a perfect way. You couldn’t suppress your voice and you started moaning with every move he did. He pushed a finger and made you shout his name. He giggled, among all the arousal you felt your heart going weak for his giggle. He got faster with his moves. “Seungkwan, I’m- Aghhh! Close…” you could say before he sucked your clitoris and you closed your eyes. A giant wave of pleasure washed your whole body, you were shaking and shivers were going up and down, solving every knot in your body. Your mouth was open but you couldn’t find your voice.

He climbed up and wiped his mouth so he could kiss your neck, soothe your sobs and caress your thigh. When you came down from your high, you played with his ear. “Are you ok now?” he asked. You nodded. “Wanna continue?” he asked and touched your clit lightly. You nodded when you felt ready. He put a finger in you and made it two immediately. After a few thrusts, you felt yourself relaxing into his touch.

“Are you ready baby?” You shivered at your nickname, you loved hearing it like this.  
“Yeah” you could pant, he was on his knees, he grabbed your hips and started pushing slowly. His dick was stretching your wet walls, his hands on your hips held you tightly and you felt him going until the end. Then he slowly pulled back. “This is so hot, Y/N, your juices wetting me” He pushed again and pulled. His thrusts got faster and harsher every time, you were moaning. “Baby how do you feel?” he asked while pushing your legs until your chest, you were face to face now. “Go-o-od!” Your voice was trembling and shaking with his thrusts. “Do you want it faster?” he whispered and bit your earlobe. “Faster” you could say and he got faster. His breaths, skin slapping skin, his dick touching your insides, your own wetness drooling from you, his lips on you, his strong hands keeping you in place, everything was so perfect that your second orgasm had begun. You held onto him tightly and closed your eyes, your moans had a different tone and your vagina started contracting. He whispered your name and he came with you while kissing you. This high was beautiful and it was purifying your soul. You smiled tiredly into the kiss and hugged him with all your power left. 

You felt loved for the first time since your happy childhood. You let a love get into your heart and touch your soul. And now you were flustered that you didn’t know what to do with it.

“Y/N” he mumbled your name while trying to pull off. “Y/N, let me go, just for now, I promise I’ll come back to hug you.”  
“Bathroom is the first door on the right,” you said after you let him. When he got up, his heat was gone so you felt cold. You pulled the blanket on your naked body. Your brain was clean and free of worries or any bad thoughts, so you used this chance to understand what was going on in your heart.

You liked how he reacted positively to your romance. You were afraid of being made fun of, being treated like an alien or being pushed to change it. Instead, he liked the things you said. And the things he said looked appealing. Going to the amusement park? Sounded fun. Eating cakes together? Sounded perfect! And holding hands while doing fun things would be nice. His hands were strong but you didn’t know how it felt to hold hands with him.

Maybe, just maybe, you may try holding his hand in the times other than sex.

He was coming back from the bathroom, walking towards you with a peaceful smile on his face. Unintentionally you reached his hand and held it. It was a nice feeling. And he tightened his grip on your hand. “I want to try,” you said while looking at your connected hands. “I want to take it slow because everything is very new to me.” You opened the blanket so he could get in. He lay next to you without letting your hand go even for a second.

“If you ever feel scared or think it’s too fast, please tell me, don’t run away. Tell me and we’ll slow down.” He said. You nodded.  
You looked into his eyes. He was really beautiful. The sweat on his forehead was drying off, the flush on his cheeks were getting paler, his eyelids were heavy and you could see how sleepy he was. You giggled and he got confused. “Just sleep, you really need it.” You said.  
“I’ll sleep only if you stay here, next to me”  
“This is my bed, where else can I go?”  
“Kitchen, living room, anywhere. Just don’t go. I want to wake up next to you.” He yawned. “I want you to be the first thing I see.”  
“Ok, I’ll be right here. Good night, Seungkwan.” You watched him falling asleep, his breaths getting slower and his face relaxing. His chest was rising and falling even though it was full of flowers and branches. 

The flowers you felt guilty of and he felt proud of.

“I’m not guilty,” you thought to convince yourself. “Hanahaki is a disease, he is wrong to think that it’s good but I’m also wrong to think that it’s totally my fault. It’s not my fault. It just happened. Love just happened. And we are lucky that I… I, kind of, like him back.”


	5. While He's Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I hope you didn't forget this story. Sorry for being late. This chapter has a few sad and a few happy things. The story should end 1-2 chapters later but I don't want to finish it T^T 
> 
> Have a good read <3

You woke up in your bed alone, you got up and looked for Seungkwan but he was gone. “I love you a lot. Sleep tight and dream of me. –BSK” Said the note he left on your nightstand. You sighed and checked the time, it was 2am. You changed into your pajamas, set your alarm for morning and went back sleeping.

What you couldn’t predict was happening: Seungkwan didn’t come to school. You didn’t want to act overly-attached so you waited for him to message you, until evening. Considering how he showed you affection last night, it was weird that he didn’t even write hi. So you messaged him hi.

He didn’t reply.

“How are you doing?”

No reply.

Maybe he forgot his phone at home and went somewhere? He would reply at night, you thought. You were doing your assignments and when finished, you did some chores, swept the floors, re-ordered the plates in kitchen, it was past midnight but you didn’t feel sleepy at all. No reply. You decided to leave your pride aside for this time.

“You may think that I’m being overly-attached or controlling, which I’m trying not to be, but I’m worried about you, especially because of …“ How to say it in a nice way? “…the flowers”

No reply.

Seungkwan’s housemates? Soonyoung? Who else? Seungkwan didn’t tell you. Hansol, maybe? You wanted to call them but you didn’t have their numbers and it was too late to ask your friends if they had. 

“Please call me as soon as you see this message. You don’t have to tell me anything, I just want to be sure you’re ok.” You sent and slept with fear in your heart. You realized that… you started to care about him. It made you sad that Seungkwan may not be ok. Maybe he was ok and he just chose ignoring you, which was a possibility in your opinion, but still… There was this tiny restlessness. And tiny hurt. Tiny, but still existed.

No reply in the morning, too. You entered the lecture hall to find Hansol or Soonyoung. You saw Chan, that would do. 

“Hey, Chan” you said and saw how he tensed.  
“Hey, Y/N”  
“Uhm, I don’t know how to ask this. I’m not trying to stalk him or anything but… He, I mean, Seungkwan doesn’t reply to my messages. Maybe it’s by choice, I can understand, but I want to be sure that he’s ok.”  
“Well,” He looked even more tense. “He’s… He’s not lost or anything. Ok, I’m going to be honest, he asked us not to tell you about what’s happening.”  
“Do you think she’ll be satisfied with this answer?” Hansol appeared behind you. His eyes were really dark and he looked tired. “I’m not going to say anything, you don’t deserve answers” he said coldly and sat next to Chan. Chan gulped.  
“I don’t understand,” you said.  
“You’re the reason to his situation and you make things more difficult when I think things would go easier. Just, stay away from him.” He didn’t even look at your direction.  
“I’m sorry,” you said. “I apologized to him, but again, I’m sorry for everything I caused. I’ll do as you said, I’ll stay away.”  
“Y/N,” Chan said when you were just about to go back. “Don’t give up on him. You are his only remedy.”  
“No, I’m useless, I know. If I were his remedy, he would start healing.” You turned back but Chan stopped you by catching your wrist.  
“Let her go,” Hansol mumbled.  
“No, I won’t,” Chan said to Hansol angrily. “I won’t let you guys mess this up. Ugh, again, Chan is saving your asses.” He sighed and turned to you. “Seungkwan is in hospital.”  
You felt a sudden ache in your heart and you couldn’t breathe.  
“But he’s in ICU so they don’t let anyone in, other than his family. His sister and Soonyoung are waiting in the hospital.”  
“ICU?”  
“Yeah, his lungs collapsed, or deflated, something like that.”  
Your eyes were filled with tears, you couldn’t breathe properly. You didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. He was a good person, he deserved good things, he deserved happiness, he deserved a better girl, someone who didn’t curse him with Hanahaki, someone who didn’t bring death upon him.  
“Which hospital?” You could ask.

You rushed to the chest diseases ward, asking for one Seungkwan Boo, nurse looked at you from head to toe. “Are you his relative?”  
“I’m his friend,” you said.  
“We don’t let friends get into ICU ward.”  
“I understand. Can I talk to his doctor?”  
“We don’t inform people other than patients’ relatives.” She said, she was bored.  
“I’m the one he has Hanahaki for! I need to talk to his doctor, his doctor needs to talk to me!”  
Nurse looked satisfied with this information. Apparently, a Hanahaki patient made people wonder about the love story behind. “I’ll notify the doctor, they’ll decide if they need to talk to you or not. Please write your name and number here, then you can go to waiting room.”

Time didn’t feel like passing until the doctor appeared and invited you to his office. “His case is a very rare one, Hanahaki disease is already rare and his case, proceeding until this point and healing back, is very rare. Hanahaki patients generally get loved back before the branches could invade organs or they don’t get loved back, so, their diseases proceed. In his case, the flowers’ branches penetrated pleuras, trachea and esophagus but it was a slow process, and because Hanahaki disease doesn’t cause inflammation, nothing happened. When patient was admitted to us, there was an apparent bilateral pneumothorax, we saw the plant in chest x-ray so we performed esophagogastric endoscopy and bronchoscopy. There are a few perforations but their diameters are very small, we plan on closing them with fibrin glue but now our priority is treating his pneumothorax. Holes on his pleuras are larger than others, causing the lungs to ‘collapse’ I can say, so we placed chest tubes on both sides, we are ventilating him very carefully-“  
“Sir, I’m sorry but I don’t understand,” you said.  
“Ok, let’s try this way. The plant that’s growing inside him opened up some holes on his esophagus, his airways and his lungs. And the branches were filling the holes until now so nothing happened. But when plant started shrinking, the holes weren’t filled anymore, so his lungs deflated just like balloons. We are helping him breathe, keeping his lungs inflated and waiting for pleura to repair the holes. The plant isn’t completely withered so holes will close up to the branches’ diameters. After his lungs heal, we’ll repair the other holes.”  
“So, the shrinkage of flower also causes damage.”  
“Yes. This is the reason why I’ll ask you not to visit the patient for now.”  
You were surprised. But it was reasonable.  
“Or not to send him any gifts. Or any messages. Anything that will make him feel loved by you.”  
“It’s harsh,” you could say.  
“I know. Please remember that Hanahaki is a very serious disease and his case is not an easy one.”  
“Thank you. At least, I won’t beg him to get treated anymore,” you tried to smile. “To wither the plant completely, will you need me?”  
“We will discuss that with some professors specialized in this field.”  
“If you’ll need me, I want to do whatever I can for him. I’ll give you my number or you can reach me via Seungkwan’s friends.”  
The doctor smiled. “We will consider that. We will do our best for him, I hope Mr. Boo gets well really fast.”

You saw Soonyoung in waiting room, watching outside from the window. You went and sat next to him. “Chan told you, right?” You nodded. He sighed and continued. “Seungkwan didn’t want you to learn but it was a stupid idea. Or course you would learn, you guys just started something.” He looked at your face and smiled. “You are really worried, right? He’s good, I mean, he has all those tubes and cables around him and he can’t talk much without getting breathless. However, he’s happy. He’s waiting for the day he can see you again.” He smirked. “I wish we could operate my very successful plan way earlier.”  
“What plan?” you asked.  
“My plan, Cupid Soonyoung’s plan! The ‘get Seungkwan drunk and make him flirt with love of his life’ plan. He’s been in love with you for months and he didn’t do anything! Somebody had to push him!”  
You giggled. “But you didn’t know how far it could go.”  
“Oh, my boy did better than my expectations. I expected him to get a date from you but, wow, he just…” You hushed him.  
“Stop, stop, don’t say anything more! Let’s just say he was very good to me!”  
He laughed. “Your friends were also in the plan. I have to buy them dinner.”  
“My friends? Is that why they didn’t object when I said I’d stay with Seungkwan?!”  
“Cupid Soonyoung makes flawless plans! If Chan didn’t stop me, I was planning something else. When I first learned Seungkwan loved you, I planned locking both of you in lecture hall so you had to talk and Seungkwan would just slip a confession!”  
You laughed really hard, he was smiling at you. “Soonyoung-Oh, sorry, Cupid Soonyoung, can I ask you something?”  
“Yes.”  
“Can you take a photo of him for me? I understand that I can’t ask you to send my regards to him but at least, you can show him to me, right?”  
His smiled faded. “I don’t think seeing him in that condition would make you happy, Y/N.”  
You sighed and looked at the floor. “This is a hard time for him and I want to be there for him, I want to support him. I know I can’t do anything other than patiently waiting. I wish I could do something.”  
“You can work on your confusion? Or whatever you call it.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Seungkwan told me about you not wanting a serious relationship. He wants it, so he asked for my advice. I’m sure he talked with you that evening. Maybe you can use this time to think slowly and make decisions. It’s just a suggestion.”  
“I didn’t know you were mature like this, Soonyoung.”  
“Just because I like making people laugh doesn’t mean I’m immature!”  
“Thank you for being a good friend for Seungkwan.” you said with a smile.  
“And for my plan.”  
“And for your plan,” you giggled. “Can I get your number so I can ask you about his condition? I don’t think Hansol will answer my calls.”  
He nodded while taking your phone and typing his number. “He’s scared of losing Seungkwan, that’s why he’s acting angry. We all know it’s not your fault, it’s not anyone’s fault.” He gave your phone back. “I’ll send you funny Seungkwan photos. He’ll kill me when he learns but they’re so funny, you have to see.”  
“Thank you again. See you later,” you said.  
You left the hospital while taking a deep breath and promising yourself: in the time Seungkwan was healing physically, you would do your best to heal mentally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could write better. What motivates me about writing this work is Seventeen's song Flower and to be honest, Flower gets even more impressive in every live performance. Song, vocals, choreo, everything about the song gets perfect and more perfect, I feel like I have to write a perfect story but my skills are not enough :( I hope more Carats write stories about Flower.


	6. Revival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting in order. Yeah. It's not the final, though.

You stood in front of the familiar door. The door that gave you hopes once. The door you opened weekly, for a period of time. The door that hid your secrets and tears from the rest of the world. The door you gave up on. The door you had stopped seeing months ago.

It was time for your appointment. You knocked on the door twice and opened it to see that face. “Welcome, Y/N, please come in,” your therapist said. You nodded and entered the room. 

It wasn’t as easy as people talked about. Defining your problems, making the connections, understanding which thought is wrong and which one is right, repairing your thought processes, working on all of these were tiring. And the room always has a huge box of tissues within your reach, that's for a reason. Opening your wounds hurts a lot. Your previous sessions were full of struggles like these. At some point, you started thinking that nothing improved in this way. Eventually, you gave up on therapy.

Months later, you felt strong enough to start again. In fact, with the guilty feeling of Seungkwan’s flowers, you thought you would be weaker this time. But your promise to Seungkwan(even if he didn’t know) supported you. You wanted to fix yourself; you wanted to do the exact same thing Seungkwan was doing in the hospital. Healing, getting well, getting better… It wasn’t going to happen in one session, it was a long journey that’ll last at least a year, but you really wanted to start.

{10 days later}  
You had Kate over on a Friday evening and you were preparing dinner together when your phone ringed. “Soonyoung is calling,” she said while handing you the phone. You answered it immediately.  
“Soonyoung?”  
“Ahem, it’s me, Seungkwan,” he said. You froze.  
“Oh my, Seungkwan” you could say, as your heart started thumping hard. Kate was looking at you with big eyes. “Ah, it’s forbidden for us to talk, you know right?”  
“The doctor allowed me to call you. It’s a challenge for my treatment, he said.”  
“Wow, good, very good in fact. How are you feeling?” You asked with concern. Soonyoung informed you almost every day but you wanted to hear it from himself.  
“I’m much better than before. I can breathe and eat well. Staying in the bed all day is boring but I’ll patiently wait for the day…” He cut his sentence with hesitation. “We can do the things I promised, right?” He sounded unsure.  
“Of course! Amusement park and eating cake and everything.”  
“I’m glad. The doctor says this should be enough for today, I’ll call you again tomorrow.”  
“Is the call on speaker now?”  
“No, why?”  
“I miss your warmth. Will you hug me when we meet?”  
He coughed, he didn’t expect this but he answered with a soft whisper. “Of course, Y/N, of course, I’ll do.” He sighed, your heart clenched. “Umm, hopefully, I’ll talk to you tomorrow too, if you’re available.”   
“Yeah, tomorrow, I’ll be free the whole day. I’ll wait for your call.”  
“Ok, then, talk to you later, Y/N.”  
“Goodbye, get well really fast.” You hung up.  
“I don’t know whether you’ve become a couple but you’re already so cringy,” Kate said with a cold voice. You giggled.

In the following days, he was allowed to call you longer. Every day, you would collect funny things to tell him and important issues to ask his opinion about. You wanted to talk to him on every topic, learn about him, share things with him. And as you got to know more about him, you liked even more. You already knew he was a good person but by learning more about him, you started to feel bonded. 

He was calling you with his own phone, which meant Soonyoung didn’t need to be there, which meant you could talk about private things or things that Soonyoung shouldn’t hear. Like how Soonyoung was in love with Seokmin for the last year but Seokmin was so oblivious that he thought they were merely best friends.

“I thought they were really close, I’ve seen them hugging etc. but I didn’t know,” you said.  
“And Soonyoung is really afraid of ruining what they have right now.”  
“Don’t you intend to step in and do something?”  
“I can’t. I can’t ask Seokmin anything because he’ll get suspicious. And when Soonyoung chose to hide his feelings from him, I can’t expose it.”  
“What if I do something?”  
“Soonyoung would get angry because I told you his feelings.”  
“But I want to pay his favor back!” You said with a sigh.  
“His favor?”  
“He said he organized the night we met. I don’t go to parties most of the time but he talked to my friends and made sure I was going to be there.”  
“Really?” he said after some silence, his voice was soft and cracked? “God! I love my friends a lot,” he continued.  
“Are you touched?” you said with a smile on your face.  
“Fucking yes. He even put condoms in my wallet, I said I won’t ever need them but he patted on my back like a grandpa and said I was a young man so I would absolutely need them.”  
You couldn’t stop your laugh. You could almost see the whole scene, how he would pat on Seungkwan’s back and Seungkwan’s confused face and everything.  
“I’ll definitely pay his favor back. Not about Seokmin case but in some way, I’ll do something,” you said.  
~~  
On his discharge day, you wore a flowery dress, which ironically had the same flowers Seungkwan vomited and went to see him. You knocked and opened the door to see Seungkwan preparing his baggage, Hansol helping him and a woman. “Y/N! I didn’t expect you!” Seungkwan chimed with joy. He left what he was doing and hugged you with all his might. You couldn’t breathe, his warmth was too nice. You were shy because there were people watching but still, you hugged him back. When you parted, you realized he was thinner which meant he had a difficult time in the hospital. You looked at his eyes.   
“You are OK now, right?”  
“Yes, I’m super healthy and strong” he smiled and showed off his almost non-existent arm muscle.  
“I can’t see anything” Hansol squeezed Seungkwan’s muscle “There’s nothing in here.”  
Seungkwan turned back to him with anger and hissed a “Shut up”, everyone laughed. “By the way, meet my older sister, Sojeong. And this is…” He gulped while searching for the right words because he knew you wanted to take everything slow.   
“His girlfriend, Y/N” you completed his sentence. He looked at you with a surprised face, you smiled at him and saw the soft shy smile he tried to suppress.  
“Nice to meet you, Y/N. You are the…” she left her sentence like that. Seungkwan didn’t let the awkward silence to take over.  
“I’m happy to introduce you to each other.” Then he turned to you. “I have one more sister but you’ll see her later.” He looked into your eyes and smile. You kept the eye contact and felt your chest burning. He loved you. Feeling loved was something like this, you realized. You thought you didn’t deserve being loved but there he was, looking into your eyes softly as if only you existed in his world.

Hansol cleared his throat and suddenly you realized you’d been looking at Seungkwan longer than you thought. “I’ll ask whether the paperwork is done, we can go after that.” He said and left the room. Seungkwan’s sister was still in the room and she looked irritated. Because of you? You looked back at Seungkwan’s eyes. Warm, beautiful, brown eyes…

“Now that I saw you are alright, I think I can go,” you said slowly. He raised his brows.

“Why? Stay a bit more” he whispered and reached to hold your hand. His hand was as warm as his eyes; you grabbed it, reflexively, chasing the warmth.

You didn’t know why you were clingy like this. 

“I just dropped by… to see you… I have some… errands to do today, so… Yeah, I need to go… See you later.” You were talking slowly, almost stuttering, barely finding the words while your mind was shut down and your eyes were traveling from his eyes to nose, cheeks, and lips. 

“Later when?” He looked disappointed. His pouted plump lips made you forget your thoughts. 

“Call me.” You said and left his hand. You turned to his sister and smiled as if you didn’t eat his brother with stares just a few seconds ago. “I’m glad to meet you. I hope we can see each other frequently.”  
“Me too.” She said, forcing a smile back at you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the loooooong wait. I was too busy with work, life and my other fiction [ I want more of you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16740163/chapters/39268795). It's another Seungkwan x Reader fic and it'll be longer than this. You can check that out, I'll be happy.
> 
> This work is getting closer to the final but I don't want it to end without some things happening and feeding all of us. So, it'll be completed 2-3 chapters later, I think. 
> 
> I'll be very very happy if you comment <3

**Author's Note:**

> (author is so embarrassed that she couldn't re-read and she couldn't ask a friend to beta so sorry for mistakes) (you can tell me my mistakes in comments) (you can write other things too) (parts you liked?)(how much you love boo seungkwan?) (how precious cute angel he is?)


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